Not In To Be Out
by Amelie O’Neill

Christina wished it was ‘in to be out’ but she knew it wasn’t. Still, she trusted Shelby. That’s why she told her, because Shelby was her best friend. But, it turned out, she was the ‘best friend’ who told everyone.

 

Now when she passes through the school halls, she gets a “Lesbo” or “Queer.” The amount of times she has lost balance while getting changed in a bathroom stall instead of the changing room is uncountable. She dreads the odd chance that they are learning about LGBTQ+ in a lesson for the whispers that are followed by giggles.

 

She has tried it all: Humour, sarcasm, or ignoring them. 

 

But the day Liz joined the school, she forgot all that. She couldn’t breathe, as Liz took her breath away. The vanilla scent of her hair, her perfect natural face. Seeing her in that hallway, looking lost. She wanted to help her but fear chose otherwise. The longing for just one kiss came immediately. All the pain she had gone through would be worth it for one kiss.

 

Every night after that first sight, Christina would try to ‘pray away her feelings’ but by the time she hit 16 she had given up trying. Every time Liz passed, her black hair, chestnut skin, eyes you could just fall into and never hit a bottom, all the prayers in the world would be a waste of time. 

 

Liz was the escape. The escape from it all. The escape from darkness.

 

With a trembling voice, Christina told her everything. But she saw the soft warmth of Liz’s face turn cold. Liz started laughing, and no, not with happiness or shock, but out of disgust and mockery. The word rolled off Liz’s tongue like it was nothing. “Fa- '' Christina ran away before she could hear it.

 

When Christina revealed her true feelings, Liz’s stomach was filled with butterflies. She loved Christiana, and she always had since the first day she saw her in the school hall. But she knew that she wasn’t ready to go through everything Christina had too. She wanted to caress her cheek and tell her everything was going to be ok. But she would never be able to kiss her like she had always dreamt of.

 

Christina’s parents only realized the pain their daughter had gone through when they found her body beside a phone with hundreds of hateful texts.